“You believe in a book which has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd, and primitive stories; and you say that I am the one who is mentally ill?”
My friends would start calling me a devil worshiper because I had the desire to learn about pagans, magic, horoscopes and tarot cards. I really wanted to believe at the tender age of 13 I was magical. I played with the Ouija board, and it worked! I wanted to have the power of foresight. On hunches, I would predict strange things like packages arriving in the mail. My friends would be in fear if I happened to predict correctly. I thought I could have outer body experiences. I try to go into lucid dreams to fly to different realms. I started praying to the Greek Gods. Going through adolescence and being insecure, I would pray to the goddess Aphrodite (Venus), asking her for luck in love and beauty. I would ask Athena to give me bravery to do the right things in sports and I would pray to Jesus every once in awhile to ask for forgiveness. Each god in my world had a specialization. I liked thanking the gods. I would go to the libraries and bookshops looking for spell books. I’d learn of the mother, maiden and the crone, Wicca, candle magick and other assorted occult specializations. Superstition also ran deep into my thoughts. I always thought positive about everything because I believed positive things would manifest. New Age.
I didn’t openly express my beliefs because I didn’t identify with being any single type of religion. I did say stupid things like “blessed be,” “all is one,” and “God only gives you as much as you can take.” I believed I was a spiritual person. I read The Celestine Prophecy and ate my vegetables slow, I read Linda Goodman’s Star Signs and believed while I slumbered we spoke in numbers.
You can imagine how destructive this thought process was for a teenager, but I carried it with me into my mid twenties. It didn’t help that the people who I was hanging out with believed in the same spiritual voodoo. Constantly, I would meet people who believed they could sense evil spirits on people. One friend believed they were born with a black veil on their face… whatever that means. It was most unfortunate for her because she had a mother telling her she was evil throughout her entire life. My neighbor read tarot cards and my palm. A strange world I found myself. My boyfriend at the time even had a tattoo of Mary Magdalene on his chest.
Surrounded by religious Juju and superstitious fervor, I found myself searching for more answers.